Thank you all so so much.

I want to thank everyone who’s read and responded to my blog posts across the internet for the past decade.

It means a lot to me especially because I struggle with speech and other forms of communicative output. Writing is my organic and fine-tuned voice, whereas my physical voice is a defective tool 😆.

I laugh but actually, writing/blogging so much has improved my candid speech skills.

Because now if I put in effort, I can “write” what I want to say in my mind, and then tell my physical voice to read it out loud if I so choose to. I don’t know how exactly that happens, but it does.

Anyway with that said, I’ll be archiving all of my blogs and pages soon for documentation purposes, including this profile.

Meaning, I won’t be logging into these accounts for socializing purposes anymore. I’ll keep them published for informational purposes though.

My brain is just like, “Dude, you’ve written enough. You know yourself at this point. Now go learn about other people with the same issues you have and go help them” 😂

And that’s why I’m currently pursuing a career in social science. My intuition detects that there are now many opportunities for me to offer value as a human being.

Again, thank you all. And as always, love and solidarity!

Why I blogged about my personal experiences.

I’ve been reviewing and organizing my past personal blogging to take to a therapist. And with that I’ve figured out exactly why I don’t want to blog personally anymore. It’s just weird because I love blogging. But why, I ask myself.

My love for blogging all boils down to one common theme: I always expressed myself to the internet in writing because expressing myself to people in-person was rarely taken seriously. Therapists and psychiatrists even doubted my experiences, among many other people.

I love blogging because it serves as a tool that allows me to communicate without being interrupted and silenced by able-ist rhetoric.

All my life until recently, I was always perceived as a person who is “incompetent” rather than a person who is struggling. And someone who “complains” rather than someone asserting themselves.

I wrote so much because I was only heard, but not listened to.

At one point even the people who claimed to love and support me didn’t even acknowledge my seemingly obvious intention with blogging, but they understand me now.

And those who have failed to understand me have inadvertently been filtered out of my life due to their response to my written expressions. It’s science!

I realize that most people predictably respond to things I say with judgement, and therefore I must dissociate from them because they perceive my experiences as inconsequential.

Furthermore, my blogging gone on for so long that a database of these expressions exists for me and others to reference when my mental wellness and general well-being is questioned.

It’s all written on the wall. Pun intended lol.

I am just over it all.

Something needs to be understood by governments on a global scale. Pretty much immediately…

When we as autistic people request assistance, our competence needs to be honored. Period.

As a matter of fact, when any human being that needs help should receive it. Especially if they live in a system that claims to bring prosperity.

Prove it. Let’s prove that this society brings prosperity to all. Why not? Is it because it’s not true?

Regardless of socioeconomic rhetoric, if we as autistic people are seeking critical social assistance, the time has probably already passed where we tried to help ourselves with resources available to us. Our friends and family can only do so much.

We aren’t incapable just because we’re autistic. We literally just function differently. And most of us are traumatized from trying to function in unnatural ways, among other reasons that we are traumatized.

And then negative environments with unattainable social expectations and poorly organized social constructs are ignored as factors contributing to our mental anguish.

And then people try to gaslight us about situations by putting us on drugs and in therapy for dealing with all of society.

From school to the workplace to even becoming an entrepreneur, how is anyone ever supposed to “get up” from struggle when we’re constantly pushed back down to the ground?

And like I implied above, this affects everyone.

I can say right now that the lack of social support is actively tearing the fabric of communities apart, apart from their humanity. We’re drifting further and further apart from each other. With every single passing day and night. Just because of imaginary numbers and statistics.

I really wish this was a fear-mongering post, but it’s not. Turn on the TV and news sites for that.

What I am writing about is reality. And what is being done by leaders? Nothing. Nothing but perpetuating and fostering a society based on not caring about members of our own species.

Yeah.

The CEO of Virginia Beach Psychiatric Center supports the Virginia Beach City Government in offering a $1k incentive in taxpayer dollars for various mental healthcare positions.

That’s nice, but I’m here to talk about the facility that this CEO manages. It is not an admirable place to work.

In 2014, I was “treated” for a burnout and a meltdown at the facility he owns. I am autistic with CPTSD and was locked up in a ward for 3 days with limited outside contact because I was falsely accused of being a danger to myself and others.

A staff member of this facility threatened to call the police department if I didn’t sign the fabricated papers admitting that I was a danger to myself and others.

They were actually going to have me arrested because they decided to twist my words when I was in distress. I wish I was making this up.

And while I was in there, the only “treatment” I received was drugs and isolation. It’s not a safe place for people actually seeking help.

So if anyone wants to work at the Virginia Beach Psychiatric Center, I’m not gonna stop you, but it needs to be known that this facility uses the threat of the police department to hold innocent people against their will.

A new identity.

Ever since I could remember, I realize that my “social identity” and social behavior changes depending who I’m socializing with and why, our physical location, method of communication, among many other factors.

And over the past year, I realize that all of those identities and behaviors have been converging into one identity and behavior set.

It almost feels like I have a new personality. It’s scary, yet it feels positive.

Because before I felt this way, I felt like I was beginning to develop multiple personalities. It truly felt that way until this realization. And that’s scarier…

Now it feels like I have just one mask to worry about instead of trying to manufacture one for every separate instance of socializing.

This is the “new Mike”. And I don’t think I’ve ever been able to say that before. I don’t feel too fragmented anymore.

For the past half year, I’ve lived with friends and it’s the first time I’ve lived somewhere where it’s not expected that I eventually move away from them. I haven’t been in this position before and this security is overwhelming to the point where I feel I don’t deserve it.

Can anyone relate?

I feel like a different person depending on so many varying factors in social interactions (who, what, when, where, why, and beyond). And it’s getting difficult differentiating all the (for lack of existing terminology that I know of) varying “modes of social behavior”  from my sense of self. I feel so exhausted and burnt out from this. Scripting. Masking. Conscious awareness of mirroring. The effects of certain social actions because of unwritten social rules. Keeping up with all of this and anything pertaining to socializing is a strenuous act.

I am planning to reach out for professional assistance with what I’m feeling, but I just want to know if anyone else has experienced anything similar before doing so. Can anyone relate? I would greatly appreciate conversation about this. Also, I don’t mind private messages.

To broadly highlight what I’m referring to, I feel have a base personality and then “sub-personalities”. I have sub-personalities for different work environments, for friends, for family, for the public, etc. And each of these sub-personalities can vary themselves.

These divisions in my social behavior are metaphorical when I speak or write about them, but they are reality for me. And for me to function in the world, it requires me to be able to perform these personalities. Otherwise, I’m perceived as “anti-social” or socially incompetent at the least.

Also I’m wondering if this is the overdevelopment of masking autism, or even a condition that has developed as a co-morbidity.

Is there a limit to how much and often one can mask until their brain functioning literally changes in order to compensate?

I am not a psychiatrist, but my theory (and this is just a theory) is that over the years, my social functioning has been subconsciously compartmentalized as me “acting out roles”. And I’m recognizing these roles as separate versions of myself. That’s just a theory, but I will especially be bringing that up when I speak to a professional about this.

My confidence in this theory is derived from lived experience. I’ve spent my entire life, mostly subconsciously, shaping my social behavior not according to my own social tendencies and needs, but to the social tendencies and needs of neurotypical people and their standards.

And I feel like my brain has finally reached a breaking point where it’s telling me, “Hey, this is how I’m functioning and it’s not working anymore. These are the working conditions and they are not good”.

So that’s where I’m at…

(12/2021) Burnout (4)

So I work in a temporary position and I’ve been working to my best ability and capacity in order to show that I’m worthy of long-term employment. So I work in a temporary position and I’ve been working to my best ability and capacity in order to show that I’m worthy of long-term employment. So, yesterday I had to tell a co-worker that I’m autistic and have CPTSD because I had a meltdown I couldn’t internalize like I normally can. I told him I’ve been hiding PTSD as well as autism since I started back in November because I wanted to get hired full-time. I told him about some of my sensitivities and how he was contributing to overloading them. He said that it was a bad idea to hide these things and that I need to be honest if I want to keep working here. I don’t remember all of what I said during the meltdown, but the meltdown was built up from masking and was triggered by being publicly shamed about me dissociating.

The worst part about this is that this coworker is supposed to write a letter of recommendation about me for long-term employment. He seemed to be empathetic and even confided in me about personal situations of his own. But he said that “at the end of the day, the company makes the final decision”.

(12/21/2021) Burnout (3)

I’m gonna have to find a job where I can sit and not have to socialize with anyone. That’s gonna be difficult but it has to happen. But until then, I’m going back to work burnt out and in physical and psychological pain. One day is all I can afford. I have to show that I’m worthy of earning money because I need to earn money to invest in myself. I’m dissociated from my body so I’m numb to it all. I’m not saying that to be dramatic either. The pain is literally dulled. I’m having more and more joint buckling and hear cracking and grinding fairly often, but I can’t feeling pain too much anymore. It’s actually relieving. So to me it’s enough reason to go back to work. At this point I feel that nothing matters except the next paycheck. I’m pushing past my limits because it’s pushing me toward being worthy of sustenance, which is all I need in order start investing in the production of my own labor value. Everything will fall into place or whatever they say.

12/2021 Burnout (2)

If I can’t keep this position, I’m officially done looking for an employer. I just mentally cannot do it anymore. And I’ve been looking for long-term employment for over 10 years now. I literally am just trying to sustain myself while I’ll build and implement my money-making ideas. Maybe I’ll start a fundraiser instead.

I get a job, I do my best, and then it just “doesn’t work out”. And it’s not me. I’ve clearly documented my struggles with interviews and maintaining employment.

At this point I feel permanently dissociated from reality. Reality is just a place I’m forced to exist in. The absurdity of it actually makes me perceive it as fantasy. And that scares me.