Mood.

(NSFW)

“I finally feel like I can take a step in a direction yielding less regret
I want to wake up in the morning and not feel the weight of all the things that put me in this fucking mess
I want to feel it slide right off my back and circle the drain
Because I’m sick of you provoking me to do the same

And I assure you that I’m still the same
I just got sucked into a world that took a hold of me
And it’s not that I can’t run home it’s these goddamn shackles wrapped around my ankles
Just help me pick the locks so I can run at a full stride

I finally feel that inspiration that was missing when I thought these were the last words that I’d ever write
And even though that is the truth I feel like i should make an effort to make this last one right
And now I won’t feel the shame
When forgetting your name
When I point in your direction and tell someone next to me that you’re the reason that I went insane

Here’s the advice that I’ll give to you:
Fuck it before it fucks you”

I finally got insurance to visit a therapist and psychiatrist.

Things are going relatively well for the first time in 5 years. After a long battle with phone calls and red tape, I now have “special case” insurance through my state for people in serious mental distress. It’s socialized insurance administered by a for-profit insurance company. Both ironic and sad, I think that sentence soundly sums up the status of the United States healthcare system. But that’s a different issue. It doesn’t cover dental, vision, or ER visits. BUT. I can get psychiatric care and medication as well as visit a general doctor for check-ups. That’s about it. It’s better than nothing!

I’ve been seeing a therapist once a week since the beginning of October. And about a week and a half ago, I was prescribed Welbutrin for my major depressive disorder and Adderall for motivation, executive function issues, and ADD symptoms that come with my condition. Earlier this year I was on Prozac and Adderall, but that combination made me feel robotic with no control over my true self. I seemed to be on autopilot 24/7. But these new prescriptions have been treating me well so far.

I feel like I did before all of these symptoms surfaced. I feel like me.

Normally, my mind is fogged with torrents of unorganized thoughts and emotions involving myself and others. I also have trouble executing what I want or need to do. For example, I know I need to eat, but something in my mind blocks me from feeding myself. It’s like I have to coax my mind into actually eating. That goes with almost everything in life. And it tires me to no end.

So far, this combination of medicine has made me feel extremely focused and has unlocked my ability to use my obsessive mind for productivity. And it helps me actually execute actions without feeling like I’m “guiding my body”. It’s overwhelming, in a good way, because I’m still getting used to thinking about things other than perpetual rumination. Although I have a long road to travel, I can think about my goals clearly. I know my condition and what I need to do to manage it and that’s all that matters.

Lastly, my future blog posts are gonna be less about autism itself and more about how I view life and the world through my own paradigm. I think I’ve described what having autism means to me well enough already.

I wrote this earlier this year

02/25/2018

Tongue Tide

If I could vocalize how I write,
It’d be a muse to a meaningful fight.
I want to be “human”, just for a little bit.
If it doesn’t work I’ll go away, never speak of it.
I live and loathe where I don’t belong
People or profit, one can be wrong
A fish who can climb is what’s expected of me
When trees are full of fish, where’s meaning, integrity?

[Untitled]

Original draft: November 21st, 2012

It’s not hard to see this, this vapor I was breathing.

My mind was clouded from this swelling storm.

I showed you my real feelings and I wanted you to accept all I have.

But this is becoming another carousel that I wish would break down instead of breaking me down.

It’s no secret anymore, any more secrets could bury these bones.

I had to show myself who I am and what I need from you.

But I don’t expect much because I’m a fucking mess, are you?

P L A N S

Over these past couple months I’ve done a lot of re-planning for my future, specifically my career, and it wasn’t easy. This might give insight to people that are just as confused as I was about what they want to do for money in the long-term, so here’s my story so far: I was going to school part-time for business IT (software IT). I always envisioned a future of working in the tech field, so it all seemed to be going well. But I recently realized that I wasn’t happy with what I chose and could never pinpoint why. The unhappiness eventually became apathy. And that apathy affected my motivation. It’s not my nature to slack on my passions. I excel when I’m happy with what I’m doing. But I wasn’t happy. Yeah at first it seemed like I was on the right path. But my life started feeling “wrong”. Over the years, I’ve realized two major issues with this path: I don’t like working with a keyboard and I can’t work for an extended amount of time in front of a computer screen. I get so bored with that. If I’m spending time in front of a screen it’s gonna be me working on my music and writing projects. That’s just how it is. So for 2019, I’ve changed my career path to Electrical Engineering, which entails hands-on work with electronic hardware itself. I will probably still be sitting in front of a computer, but my actual work will involve maintaining, diagnosing, and repairing the hardware itself instead of the software. In hindsight, the wrong path was a big source of my depression. I refuse to spend 40 hours/week doing something I hate. I’d literally rather die. I used to accept a job as something I *have* to do for a living, but now I see it as something I *want* to do for a living. Figuring out what I truly want out of a career has been the most important self-discoveries I’ve ever made.

If something doesn’t feel right in your life’s path, really dig down and you might find out why. You can make a change.

Searching…

One hard-hitting lesson I’ve learned in my 20s is that searching for someone or something to make me happy with myself is like trying to drink water to satisfy my hunger. Sure it’ll fill me up temporarily, but I’ll never feel truly satisfied until I’m drinking that water to wash down a good meal.

Here’s my personal tale on why you should know AND love yourself before you get to know and love someone else.

I’m speaking of romantic love. Prior to 2017, I was in a rocky relationship for almost 7 years that ended abruptly (for good reason!) and shattered my entire world. I was lost more than ever. It was the biggest change I’ve ever faced in my life. An important part of my old support system was ripped away from me and I hate to admit it, but it broke me for a while. I’m good now though! Things are exponentially better now in 2018 because I know who I am. But after the breakup, I was legitimately in dire fear of living without her. In 2017 to the first quarter of 2018, I was in the deepest depression cycle I’d ever been in. At the same time, I knew I couldn’t rely on someone else for support because it’d just be a repeat of a stormy partnership.

As most know at this point, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (without language or cognitive impairment) in early 2016. The autism itself didn’t affect the relationship, because my case is actually pretty manageable. It was the fault of the state of my mind at the time. The gravity of my formerly undiagnosed condition affected the relationship in the worst way, because “I” wasn’t there. “I” was in my own mind trying to figure everything out for myself because I KNEW something was “different” inside me. I had unexplainable mental problems. Nothing ever felt right. I also wasn’t happy with myself. There was so much confusion. While we were still together, I would take more time to myself to hone in coping mechanisms and to just find myself in general. It wasn’t exactly fair to the relationship and it led to a “disconnection” between us, and eventually the official break-up. In hindsight, I don’t think it’s actually possible to “find yourself” while in a relationship unless you both equally understand the path you need.

Fast-forward to now, entering Fall 2018. After almost two years of living single, the clarity of I know EXACTLY how to deal with my autism, I have a clear-cut career plan I’m happy with, I’m using my music and writing skills for various projects, and I have the greatest support system of all: Myself.

I still need health insurance though.

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